If you do business, you need to use email to communicate. You can’t control whether you’ll receive long-winded, confusing emails, but you can avoid sending them. Here are some sample email makeovers you can use to improve your email skills, as well as facts that underscore the importance of brief and better email communication for business leaders.
The Long-Winded Report Request
Before:
Subject: Request for Monthly Sales Report
Dear Team,
I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to request that you provide me with the monthly sales report for the previous month at your earliest convenience.
As a reminder, these reports are essential to our collaborative decision making for our product line. During our last leadership meeting, we’d agreed to a deadline of 9:00am on the first Thursday of the month for these reports.
The last few weeks, these reports have been slow in coming. These delays have held up the process of having timely reporting readily available for monthly sales meetings.
Your prompt attention to this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Best regards,
Sandra
After:
Subject: Please Send Last Month's Sales Report
Hey Team,
Could you shoot over last month’s sales report when you get a sec? Thanks a bunch!
Cheers,
Sandra
Why It Works:
According to Boomerang, emails between 50-125 words have a response rate of up to 50%, much higher than long-winded emails. This concise and clear request gets to the point and respects the recipient's time.
The Awkward Meeting Reminder
Before:
Subject: Reminder of our Scheduled Meeting
Dear John,
This is a friendly reminder of our meeting scheduled for tomorrow at 10 AM. I sent the agenda earlier this week. Let me know if you need me to resend it, or if you have agenda items to add. Please let me know if you need to reschedule. I look forward to our discussion.
Sincerely,
Karen
After:
Subject – Agenda for Tomorrow’s 10am Meeting
Hey John,
Here’s the agenda [LINK or attachment] for our meeting tomorrow at 10 AM. Looking forward to it!
Best,
Karen
Why It Works:
Sending the agenda link or attachment is a reminder in and of itself, and it avoids John having to search his inbox for another email. And if John needs to reschedule, he’ll let you know. Quicker emails fit into the average attention span, which is just 8 seconds, according to Microsoft.
Project Progress Update
Before:
Subject – Comprehensive Project Progress Update
Dear Team,
I trust this message finds you all in good spirits. I wanted to take a moment to provide you with an update on our current project status.
At present, the project is moving forward as planned according to the established timeline and deliverables. However, it's important to note that as we continue to progress, there may be new developments and adjustments that could arise, which I will commit to communicating in a timely manner if and as they arise.
I will be keeping a close eye on any potential changes and developments as they unfold and will provide further updates as necessary. In the meantime, please do not hesitate to reach out if you have any questions, concerns, or require further clarification on any aspects of the project.
Thank you for your continued dedication and hard work.
Best regards,
Michael
After:
Subject – Project is On Track: Update Attached
Hey Team,
Quick update: the project is on track. Here’s the link to the Project Doc (LINK or attachment) for your reference.
I’ll keep you posted with any new developments! Questions? Let me know!
Best,
Michael
Why It Works:
This version uses the subject line to provide key information. Clear and specific emails like this respect the 50% of emails that are opened on mobile devices, according to Campaign Monitor. It’s concise and easily digestible, ensuring team members get the message, even if they’re multitasking. And it offers a link to more details if they want them, which most people won’t.
The Overly Formal Thank You Note
Before:
Subject – Expression of Gratitude
Dear Mr. Smith,
I would like to express my sincere gratitude for your assistance with the project. Your input has been invaluable, and I truly appreciate your time and effort. We would not have been able to achieve our collective goals without your contribution. Since I know you are terribly busy, your generosity with your time and talents is all the more meaningful and appreciated.
Kind regards,
Emily
After:
Subject – Thanks for Your Help
Dear Mr. Smith,
Thanks so much for your help with the project. Your insights were really valuable and helped make the project a success. I really appreciate it.
Cheers,
Emily
Why It Works:
Personalized and genuine messages like these can increase engagement significantly. Emails with personalized content have a 29% higher unique open rate and a 41% higher unique click rate, according to Experian.
Long-Winded and Flowery Explanation on Price Increases
Before:
Subject – Important Notice: Upcoming Price Adjustments
Dear Valued Customer,
I hope this message finds you well. Over the past several years, we have worked diligently to maintain steady pricing for our esteemed customers despite the challenging economic landscape. However, we find ourselves in a position where external factors compel us to make necessary adjustments.
The COVID-19 pandemic has significantly disrupted supply chains worldwide, leading to increased costs for raw materials and labor, as well as rising shipping expenses. We have absorbed these costs for as long as possible, striving to shield our customers from any adverse impact. We highly value your loyalty and trust in our products and services, and this decision has not been made lightly.
For the sake of our business's sustainability and the continuation of our valuable partnership, we must implement a price increase of 5% across our product line, effective August 1, 2024. This adjustment is crucial for us to continue delivering the high-quality products you expect from us.
We understand that price changes can be concerning, and we are committed to minimizing the impact on your operations. If you have any questions or require further information, please do not hesitate to contact your sales representative, or reach out to me directly as the sales manager. We deeply appreciate your understanding and look forward to continuing our successful collaboration for many years to come.
Warm regards,
John Doe
Sales Manager
After:
Subject – 5% Price Increase Starting Aug 1st
As a business leader, you’re well aware that costs have gone up on materials, labor and shipping.
As a result, we’ll be increasing prices by 5% starting August 1, 2024. We’ve held off as long as we could and hope for your understanding and continued partnership.
Reach out to your rep or me directly with questions or concerns.
Best,
John Doe
Why It Works:
Once again, this message makes good use of the subject line to deliver the main news. While price increases are sensitive, more words doesn’t make them less so. These days, this type of email is one which business customers are used to receiving, sadly. This is an example of an email that should be part of communication with key accounts (and not the only communication). It could precede or follow personal outreach by sales folks to accounts for whom this news will be significant.
Why These Email Makeovers Work
These email makeovers demonstrate a few key rules for briefer, better emails.
- Keep It Short and Sweet: Modern readers have short attention spans, averaging just 8 seconds. Get to the point quickly and avoid unnecessary fluff.
- Add a Personal Touch: Use names and casual language to make your emails feel more human. Personalized subject lines can increase open rates by 50%.
- Be Clear and Specific: Clearly state your purpose and what you need from the recipient. This saves time and avoids confusion, especially given that 50% of emails are opened on mobile devices, according to Campaign Monitor.
- Use Engaging, Informative Subject Lines: Your subject line is the gateway to your email. Make it catchy and relevant to grab attention. Subject lines with 6-10 words have the highest open rates at around 21%.
Transforming your emails doesn’t mean sacrificing professionalism for informality. It’s about striking the right balance between being approachable and being efficient.
Better, shorter emails foster better relationships, improve communication, and can even add a little fun to someone's inbox.
Next time you draft an email, think about how you can make it snappier and more effective. Who knows? Maybe your inbox will start looking a little less like a homework assignment and more like a lively conversation. Happy emailing!
If your regular e-newsletters could use a makeover, too, give us a shout. We’re seasoned pros at designing e-newsletters and printed newsletters that look great, get your message across and get noticed.
Book a strategy session to talk about your next project today.
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